Scripture Text : James 3:8-10
5. A WIFE MUST GIVE HER HUSBAND THE BENEFIT OF THE DOUBT WHEN IT COMES TO JUDGING HIS MOTIVES.
Therefore, do not go on passing judgement before the time, but wait until the Lord comes who will both bring to light the things hidden in the darkness and disclose the motives of men's hearts; and then each man's praise will come to him from God.
We are not to make judgements about the "motives of men's hearts ( I Corinthians 4:5). No matter how well you think you know someone else, only God can judge their motives. It is presumption for one person to believe they know what another person is thinking or why they did what they did. Sometimes people who pride themselves on their " discernment" are in reality presumptuously judging motives. Often wives presumptuously judge their husbands and react based on what they think their husband is thinking.
Perhaps you can think of a time when you overreacted to something your husband said or did and he was consequently baffled by your reaction. You judged his motives if you said something like " You did that deliberately to upset!" or " You did that to get back at me for what your father did to you when you were a child!" Instead of judging his motive, give him the benefit of the doubt and place his action in the best possible light. For example, "He did not realize how important that was to me." or "Perhaps he knows something that I do not know about these circumstances." You will have to wait until the Lord comes back and then He will rightly judge your husband's motives.
6. A WIFE IS MORE LIKELY TO SIN IF HER WORDS ARE RASH.
There is one who speaks rashly like the thrusts of a sword, but the tongue of the wise brings healing. Proverbs 12:18
Solomon likened rash speech to being like " ...the thrusts of a sword...." (Proverbs 12:18). In other words, rash words deeply wound the person receiving them. They inflict pain. They hurt the other person. If you speak in a way so as to hurt the other person, you may have a desire to be in control. A controlling person tends to communicate in vengeful ways. Often your treats and "lashing back" are full of more meanness than the original offense. Follow the example Peter wrote about of the Lord Jesus Christ who "while being reviled, He did not revile in return; while suffering, He uttered no threats, but kept entrusting Himself to Him who judges righteously..." ( I Peter 2:23). Our Lord entrusted Himself to God. He did not fight back with evil. Peter's point is that even while suffering an emotional battery from your husband, you are to look to the Lord Jesus Christ as your example. Instead of wounding your husband, use your tongue to bring healing (Proverbs 12:18).
7. A WIFE IS MORE LIKELY TO BE HEARD IF HER SPEECH IS FORBEARING AND SWEET.
By forbearance a ruler may be persuaded, and a soft tongue breaks the bone.
Proverbs 25:15
The wise in heart will be called discerning,And sweetness of speech increases persuasiveness. Proverbs 16:21
Husbands are much more willing to consider their wives requests and even admonitions if they are given sweetly. This is not fake " sugar-sweetness, " but genuine forbearance ("putting up with") and niceness. In fact, it is difficult for most husbands not to give in to their wives' requests when there is sweetness of speech. One word of caution, " sweetness of speech" is not to be used as a manipulative ploy for you to have your way, but it is a righteous way for you to persuade your husband to give you what you want. The test of your motive will be how you respond if you do not get your way. Indeed, God is glorified by your righteous speech whether you get your way or not!
8. AN EXCELLENT WIFE IS WISE AND KIND WHEN SHE TALKS TO HER HUSBAND.
She opens her mouth in wisdom, and the teaching of kindness is on her tongue.
Proverbs 31:26
A godly wife is wise and kind. When she opens her mouth to speak, wisdom and kindness flow out . Her wisdom comes from the word of God and her kindness from the Holy Spirit. Her words are not rude, terse, harsh, or wounding, they are edifying and helpful. If you are to be wise and kind when you speak to your husband, speak your words in a soothing tone. Proverbs 15:4 says, "a soothing tongue is a tree of life...
Think about how you would like to be treated. What if you are wrong? What if you are sinning? Do you want kindness or harshness, foolishness or wisdom? Of course you want him to be kind and wise. So, treat your husband like you would like to be treated (Matthew 7:12).
Suppose your husband wanted to make a purchase that you consider to be foolish. First, think about what you are going to say. Next, say it in a soothing tone. For instance, ( speak gently ) " Honey, I know you would like to have a fishing boat. I would like you to have your boat, but i think it would be wiser to save the money to purchase it instead of borrowing the money from the bank." No matter what the issue is, when you talk to your husband, be wise in your words and kind in your tone. That is how the Excellent Wife opens her mouth.
9. A WIFE SHOULD PURIFY HER SPEECH UNTIL IT IS MORE AND MORE FLAWLESS
The tongue of the righteous is as choice silver. The heart of the wicked is worth little.
Proverbs 10:20
Silver is rare, precious, treasured commodity. So is a righteous tongue. Just as the refiner purifies the silver time and time again to make it choice, a wife should purify your speech by practicing over and over until you get it right ( 1 Timothy 4:7). Think through what you should say, then practice it out loud ( alone). Concentrate on saying the words in a "soothing" tone of voice. You may feel silly at first, but if you want to be godly you must be trained! The value of your godly tongue would truly be like "choice silver, "a precious commodity.
By Martha Peace,
the author of " The Excellent Wife", A Biblical Perspective
5. A WIFE MUST GIVE HER HUSBAND THE BENEFIT OF THE DOUBT WHEN IT COMES TO JUDGING HIS MOTIVES.
Therefore, do not go on passing judgement before the time, but wait until the Lord comes who will both bring to light the things hidden in the darkness and disclose the motives of men's hearts; and then each man's praise will come to him from God.
We are not to make judgements about the "motives of men's hearts ( I Corinthians 4:5). No matter how well you think you know someone else, only God can judge their motives. It is presumption for one person to believe they know what another person is thinking or why they did what they did. Sometimes people who pride themselves on their " discernment" are in reality presumptuously judging motives. Often wives presumptuously judge their husbands and react based on what they think their husband is thinking.
Perhaps you can think of a time when you overreacted to something your husband said or did and he was consequently baffled by your reaction. You judged his motives if you said something like " You did that deliberately to upset!" or " You did that to get back at me for what your father did to you when you were a child!" Instead of judging his motive, give him the benefit of the doubt and place his action in the best possible light. For example, "He did not realize how important that was to me." or "Perhaps he knows something that I do not know about these circumstances." You will have to wait until the Lord comes back and then He will rightly judge your husband's motives.
6. A WIFE IS MORE LIKELY TO SIN IF HER WORDS ARE RASH.
There is one who speaks rashly like the thrusts of a sword, but the tongue of the wise brings healing. Proverbs 12:18
Solomon likened rash speech to being like " ...the thrusts of a sword...." (Proverbs 12:18). In other words, rash words deeply wound the person receiving them. They inflict pain. They hurt the other person. If you speak in a way so as to hurt the other person, you may have a desire to be in control. A controlling person tends to communicate in vengeful ways. Often your treats and "lashing back" are full of more meanness than the original offense. Follow the example Peter wrote about of the Lord Jesus Christ who "while being reviled, He did not revile in return; while suffering, He uttered no threats, but kept entrusting Himself to Him who judges righteously..." ( I Peter 2:23). Our Lord entrusted Himself to God. He did not fight back with evil. Peter's point is that even while suffering an emotional battery from your husband, you are to look to the Lord Jesus Christ as your example. Instead of wounding your husband, use your tongue to bring healing (Proverbs 12:18).
7. A WIFE IS MORE LIKELY TO BE HEARD IF HER SPEECH IS FORBEARING AND SWEET.
By forbearance a ruler may be persuaded, and a soft tongue breaks the bone.
Proverbs 25:15
The wise in heart will be called discerning,And sweetness of speech increases persuasiveness. Proverbs 16:21
Husbands are much more willing to consider their wives requests and even admonitions if they are given sweetly. This is not fake " sugar-sweetness, " but genuine forbearance ("putting up with") and niceness. In fact, it is difficult for most husbands not to give in to their wives' requests when there is sweetness of speech. One word of caution, " sweetness of speech" is not to be used as a manipulative ploy for you to have your way, but it is a righteous way for you to persuade your husband to give you what you want. The test of your motive will be how you respond if you do not get your way. Indeed, God is glorified by your righteous speech whether you get your way or not!
8. AN EXCELLENT WIFE IS WISE AND KIND WHEN SHE TALKS TO HER HUSBAND.
She opens her mouth in wisdom, and the teaching of kindness is on her tongue.
Proverbs 31:26
A godly wife is wise and kind. When she opens her mouth to speak, wisdom and kindness flow out . Her wisdom comes from the word of God and her kindness from the Holy Spirit. Her words are not rude, terse, harsh, or wounding, they are edifying and helpful. If you are to be wise and kind when you speak to your husband, speak your words in a soothing tone. Proverbs 15:4 says, "a soothing tongue is a tree of life...
Think about how you would like to be treated. What if you are wrong? What if you are sinning? Do you want kindness or harshness, foolishness or wisdom? Of course you want him to be kind and wise. So, treat your husband like you would like to be treated (Matthew 7:12).
Suppose your husband wanted to make a purchase that you consider to be foolish. First, think about what you are going to say. Next, say it in a soothing tone. For instance, ( speak gently ) " Honey, I know you would like to have a fishing boat. I would like you to have your boat, but i think it would be wiser to save the money to purchase it instead of borrowing the money from the bank." No matter what the issue is, when you talk to your husband, be wise in your words and kind in your tone. That is how the Excellent Wife opens her mouth.
9. A WIFE SHOULD PURIFY HER SPEECH UNTIL IT IS MORE AND MORE FLAWLESS
The tongue of the righteous is as choice silver. The heart of the wicked is worth little.
Proverbs 10:20
Silver is rare, precious, treasured commodity. So is a righteous tongue. Just as the refiner purifies the silver time and time again to make it choice, a wife should purify your speech by practicing over and over until you get it right ( 1 Timothy 4:7). Think through what you should say, then practice it out loud ( alone). Concentrate on saying the words in a "soothing" tone of voice. You may feel silly at first, but if you want to be godly you must be trained! The value of your godly tongue would truly be like "choice silver, "a precious commodity.
Conclusion
How you communicate is a reflection of your commitment to Christ. Certainly, these are skills that need to be fine tuned. Ask your husband to hold you accountable for how you speak and your tone of voice. When you husband points your failures out to you, immediately reconsider how you should have communicated. Tell him what you should have done and ask his forgiveness. How important is this?
An excellent wife, who can find? For her worth is far above jewels.... She opens her mouth in wisdom, And the teaching of kindness is on her tongue.
Proverbs 31:10, 26
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