Communication with your Husband: Nine Biblical Principles - Part 2

Scripture Text :  James 3:8-10

By Martha Peace,

the author of " The Excellent Wife", A Biblical Perspective

5.  A WIFE MUST GIVE HER HUSBAND THE BENEFIT OF THE DOUBT WHEN IT COMES TO JUDGING HIS MOTIVES.

    Therefore, do not go on passing judgement before the time, but wait until the Lord comes who will both bring to light the things hidden in the darkness and disclose the motives of men's hearts; and then each man's praise will come to him from God.


    We are not to make judgements about the "motives of men's hearts ( I Corinthians 4:5).  No matter how well you think you know someone else, only God can judge their motives.  It is presumption for one person to believe they know what another person is thinking or why they did what they did.  Sometimes people who pride themselves on their " discernment" are in reality presumptuously judging motives.  Often wives presumptuously judge their husbands and react based on what they think their husband is thinking.

  Perhaps you can think of a time when you overreacted to something your husband said or did and he was consequently baffled by your reaction.  You judged his motives if you said something like " You did that deliberately to upset!" or " You did that to get back at me for what your father did to you when you were a child!" Instead of judging his motive, give him the benefit of the doubt and place his action in the best possible light.  For example, "He did not realize how important that was to me." or "Perhaps he knows something that I do not know about these circumstances." You will have to wait until the Lord comes back and then He will rightly judge your husband's motives.

6.  A WIFE IS MORE LIKELY TO SIN IF HER WORDS ARE RASH.
      There is one who speaks rashly like the thrusts of a sword, but the tongue of the wise brings healing.                                                Proverbs 12:18

 Solomon likened rash speech to being like " ...the thrusts of a sword...."  (Proverbs 12:18).  In other words, rash words deeply wound the person receiving them.  They inflict pain.  They hurt the other person.  If you speak in a way so as to hurt the other person, you may have a desire to be in control.  A controlling person tends to communicate in vengeful ways.  Often your treats and "lashing back" are full of more meanness than the original offense.  Follow the example Peter wrote about of the Lord Jesus Christ who "while being reviled, He did not revile in return; while suffering, He uttered no threats, but kept entrusting Himself to Him who judges righteously..." ( I Peter 2:23).  Our Lord entrusted Himself to God.  He did not fight back with evil.  Peter's point is that even while suffering an emotional battery from your husband, you are to look to the Lord Jesus Christ as your example.  Instead of wounding your husband, use your tongue to bring healing (Proverbs 12:18).



7. A WIFE IS MORE LIKELY TO BE HEARD IF HER SPEECH IS FORBEARING AND SWEET.
      By forbearance a ruler may be persuaded, and a soft tongue breaks the bone.
                                                                                     Proverbs 25:15

     The wise in heart will be called discerning,And sweetness of speech increases persuasiveness.                                                Proverbs 16:21


    Husbands are much more willing to consider their wives requests and even admonitions if they are given sweetly.  This is not fake " sugar-sweetness, " but genuine forbearance ("putting up with") and niceness.  In fact, it is difficult for most husbands not to give in to their wives' requests when there is sweetness of speech.  One word of caution, " sweetness of speech"  is not to be used as a manipulative  ploy for you to have your way, but it is a righteous  way for you to persuade  your husband to give you what you want.  The test of your motive  will be how you respond if you do not get your way.  Indeed, God is glorified by your righteous speech whether you get your way or not!

8.  AN EXCELLENT WIFE IS WISE AND KIND WHEN SHE TALKS TO HER HUSBAND.
       She opens her mouth in wisdom, and the teaching of kindness is on her tongue.  
       
                                                                                           Proverbs 31:26

    A godly wife is wise and kind.  When she opens her mouth to speak, wisdom and kindness flow out .  Her wisdom comes from the word of God and her kindness from the Holy Spirit.  Her words are not rude, terse, harsh, or wounding, they are edifying  and helpful.  If you are to be wise and kind when you speak to your husband, speak your words in a soothing tone.  Proverbs 15:4 says, "a soothing tongue is a tree of life...
    Think about how you would like to be treated.  What if you are wrong?  What if you are sinning?  Do you want kindness or harshness, foolishness or wisdom?  Of course you want him to be kind and wise.  So, treat your husband like you would like to be treated (Matthew 7:12).

   Suppose your husband wanted to make a purchase that you consider to be foolish.   First, think about what you are going to say.  Next, say it in a soothing tone.  For instance, ( speak gently ) " Honey, I know you would like to have a fishing boat.  I would like you to have your boat, but i think it would be wiser to save the money to purchase it instead of borrowing the money from the bank." No matter what the issue is, when you talk to your husband, be wise in your words and kind in your tone.  That is how the Excellent Wife opens her mouth.

9.  A WIFE SHOULD PURIFY HER SPEECH UNTIL IT IS MORE AND MORE FLAWLESS
      The tongue of the righteous is as choice silver. The heart of the wicked is worth little.                                              
                                                                                    Proverbs 10:20

   Silver is rare, precious, treasured commodity.  So is a righteous tongue.  Just as the refiner purifies the silver time and time again to make it choice, a wife should purify your speech by practicing  over and over until you get it right ( 1 Timothy 4:7).  Think through what you should say, then practice it out loud ( alone). Concentrate on saying the words in a "soothing" tone of voice.  You may feel silly at first, but if you want to be godly you must be trained! The value of your godly tongue would truly be like "choice silver, "a precious commodity.

                          Conclusion

How you communicate is a reflection of your commitment to Christ.  Certainly, these are skills that need to be fine tuned.  Ask your husband to hold you accountable for how you speak and your tone of voice.  When you husband points your failures out to you, immediately reconsider how you should have communicated.  Tell him what you should have done and ask his forgiveness.  How important is this? 

An excellent wife, who can find? For her worth is far above jewels.... She opens her mouth in wisdom, And the teaching of kindness is on her tongue.

                                Proverbs 31:10, 26

Communication with your Husband: Nine Biblical Principles - Part 1

Scripture Text: James 3:8-10

By Martha Peace,

the author of " The Excellent Wife", A Biblical Perspective

Have you ever said something and immediately regretted it? All of us understand what James is talking about when he wrote, "But no one can tame the tongue...from the same mouth come both blessing and cursing.  My brethren, these things ought not to be this way" (James 3:8-10).  What we say and how we say it can hurt others.  Words can crush and pierce people.  Some wounds may never heal.  In marriages, husbands and wives have the potential to hurt each other deeply by the words they say.  Often, couples communicate in unbiblical, ungodly ways.  Instead of love and kindness there is strife, anger, and malice.  Instead of wisdom, there is foolishness.  Instead of careful words, there are careless words.  Again let me express what is on my heart for all of us with what James said"  My brethren, these things ought not to be this way" (James 3:10).

An excellent wife, a godly wife must communicate rightly to her husband if she is going to love, respect, and submit to him as God desires.  In order to accomplish this purpose, I decided to address nine biblical principles regarding a wife's communication to her husband. 

1. A WIFE'S WRONG WORDS BEGIN WITH WRONG THOUGHTS AND MOTIVES.

" For out of the heart come evil thoughts,  murders, adulteries, fornication, thefts, false witness, slanders.  These are the things which defile the man; but to eat with unwashed hands does not defile the man.
            Matthew 15: 19-20

" Heart" in Scripture includes a person's thoughts, choices or motives.  Your "heart" is not some emotional part of you that you have no control over.  What you think about is a choice that you make.  The Lord Jesus made the connection clear between what you think and what you speak. "For  the mouth speaks out of that which fills the heart" ( Matthew 12:34). Wrong words do begin with wrong thoughts.  If you are saying wrong words, take the time to realize what you are thinking.  The Lord Jesus' standard of holiness is not just outward conformity but inward transformation by what you think.  Renew your mind with Scripture and change your heart.

You renew your mind with Scripture by meditating on Scripture appropriate to the areas of communication you need to improve.  Biblical meditation includes reading the specific Scripture over and over and thinking of ways that you can personally apply it.  For example, if you tend to be impatient towards your husband and "snap" at him, meditate on 1 Corinthians 13:4. " Love is patient." Think of ways that you could respond patiently given the same or similar circumstance.  For instance, your husband takes a long time to tell you about an incident at work and you wish he could hurry up.  Think "Love is patient.  I can show love to him by patiently listening until he is finished."  Then, express by your words an interest in his story.  If you do, your right words will have begun with right thoughts.

2.  A WIFE IS ACCOUNTABLE TO GOD FOR EVERY WORD SHE SPEAKS
   
     "And I say to you, that every careless word that men shall speak, they shall render account for it in the day of judgement.
                                                              Matthew 12:36-37

God is omniscient.  He knows everything and will not forget anything He desires for us to be holy all the time not just on Sunday mornings.  This is a sobering thought when we consider many "careless" words we probably do speak.  Careless words are "idle, lazy, and useless."  They remind me of the old expression, "Some people talk just to hear themselves talk."  As a Christian you are to take care with your words.  As a wife you are to take extra special care if you are going to demonstrate love, respect, and submission to your husband as God desires.  Realize that God is aware of what you say.  Therefore, you are accountable to Him for your every word.

3.  A WIFE IS TO SPEAK THE TRUTH TO HER HUSBAND, BUT SPEAK IT IN LOVE.
....but speaking the truth in love, we are to grow up in all aspects unto Him, who is the head, even Christ....   Ephesians 4:15

   Speaking the truth is not always easy.  In fact, it may be agonizing.  Sometimes you may have to tell your husband unpleasant truths.  Sometimes it is easier to be deceptive or just avoid issues.  However, in a patient, kind an loving manner, you can tell your husband what he biblically needs to hear.  For instance, imagine that you notice your husband being overly critical of someone else.  it might be more pleasant to just discreetly change the subject, but Jesus said,  "If your brother sins, go and reprove him in private; if he listens to you, you have won your brother" (Matthew 18:15).  If you have been reluctant to tell your husband the truth- speak the truth, but do it in love.

4.  A WIFE MUST "PUT OFF" ANY WRONG SPEECH.
        But now you also, put them all aside: anger, wrath, malice, slander, and abusive speech from  your mouth.   Colossians 3:8


    Wrong speech is clearly defined in Colossians chapter three.  Anger and wrath are varying kinds of anger.  Anger can express itself in extremes from a slight edge in your voice to screaming, cursing, and full blown wrath.  Malice is meanness, desiring ill towards the other person.  Slander is painting another person in a bad light.  Abusive speech refers to " obscene and derogatory speech intended to hurt and wound someone."

   Sometimes a wife is tempted to use angry, abusive, or even malicious words during emotional days just before her menstruation begins.  Even though control is harder during that time, with God all things are possible ( I Corinthians 10:13).  Work extra hard to think about what you are going to say and to say what is right in spite of how you feel.  Any kind of wrong speech is sin.  Begin by confessing to God each and every time you speak in a wrong manner.  End by replacing those wrong words with the truth spoken in love.  Then you will have laid the wrong speech aside. 

By
Martha Peace,
 the author of " The Excellent Wife, A Biblical Perspective